What does safe look like? Last week, I wrote about agoraphobia and how a daily routine that involves travel can spark apprehension and anxiety. It seems like “safe” is impossible. But I more or less got there in 2014. In October 2014, I started working at UVic. The co-workers respected me. The environment was easy to survive in: I was able to drive to campus. I could walk at lunch time. I was working near my life-long partner– my wife. We could drive into work together. We could have coffee together. The income was okay but it was stable. When I didn’t work, I didn’t need to suffer– I could just ‘be.’ Nothing triggered me. I felt safe and as a side effect, my life started to click. My weight started to drop. I had time for friends and family. Safe felt pretty good. Safe felt like the storm had passed and the sky was blue. I was safe for two months and then some big revelations pummeled me and my marriage.

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Swimming Away From The Liferaft

I have agoraphobia. I first noticed it in a pronounced way when I was about 14. Prior to that, I would just opt to stay home instead of going out. It got to be a pretty familiar practice. By 14, I would end up with massive anxiety fits. I took Grade 9 as home schooling and formally swapped to correspondence education in the next year. In my teens, I took to writing for a living. I worked in retail for a number of years (varying degrees of sucking). As soon as I could, I went back to working at home doing web design and programming.

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Let’s Start The Rebuild… Again

Thirteen months ago, I was gung-ho to get the Rebuild going. It turned out, at the time, that I wasn’t done with being busted. When this launched in December 2014, I thought my marriage was good. I thought my family was good. I thought I had a good place to rebuild my health and finances from. Instead: the rest of the cliff had to crumble. Since last year, my marriage ended; I began a life with a new partner; and my Mom died after an aggressive several months of cancer. My marriage had been doomed for some time and I just lived with the ruined state and the misery. My new partner arrived on the scene shortly before the close of my marriage. My Mom used to stoically prepare for the end and deny anything was wrong.

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The Wish List

People spend so much time talking themselves out of achieving their goals. Next time you look at a wish list of things you want to do, consider it a to-do list of things you are going to do. Don’t fixate on the problems– those elements that keep you apart from your wish list. Make that wish list into a to-do list.

A Capacity To Long

People should never be afraid of feeling too much. People who love can experience crests of happiness, satisfaction and peace. Don’t be afraid of the downsides: longing, strain and discord. They give your life contrast.

What Is The Rebuild

See that photo? That was me in the Summer of 2014. I still have a long way to go, but that side view says it all about where I was back then.

The last few years have left me really ragged financially, physically, cognitively. When a start-up isn’t making it, the start-up will “pivot.” It will change the bearing of its assets and direct those energies elsewhere. I started a position that will last for eight or more months. I am setting on a new course of rebuilding and repair. The goal is to rebuild. Continue reading